I must have told you about the million dreams I have had by now and you probably think I am pysho. This psycho, who loves you, has dreams that are usually strange and almost always memorable.
This is a somber one and I may not say much…just my rumblings as usual. Maybe when I understand more I will be able to come back and explain.
I might be in this mood because of the dream I had last night. I was in a bus or was it a matatu… ? The driver was speeding and somehow the vessel catapulted off the road. I remember literally somersaulting as if there had been no chairs (kindah like Niyo in the Matrix, an ancient movie by your time) which makes it sensible that it would be a bus, you know, coz there would be more room? Anyway so I was awake on impact and thereafter. The people in the bus were my friends but I cannot remember specifically who they are. I know we were friends because there was a sense of familiarity…comfort. I cannot remember the argument we had been having before we all realized the driver was going too fast but I remember my last words, before impact, being, “What has God got to do with it?” or something along those lines. Someone broke the emergency exit and everyone was calmly making their way out of the wreckage. I could not move but I was still conscious and within the wreckage when the dream ended.
I have been in two accidents before so this is maybe what this dream stemmed from. It could have come from the fact that I had just watched Grey’s Anatomy (Shonda Rhimes has just killed off McDreamy in a car accident season 11). I dream a lot about accidents, I have no idea why.
In somehow unrelated news, I did not go to church on Sunday. In fact, I have not been to church in a while. I have gone a few times but I am not really PRESENT if you get my meaning. Your grandma, came into my room and asked if I had gone pagan. I do not think I have…but to be honest I AM struggling. The amount of faith I have does not seem to be enough. So I am sort of just letting it be. Keeping up appearances is so much work.
I wish I could be childlike in my faith like I used to be. Your grandma has such amazing conviction. She believes. I hope I can be like her someday. Some of my very close friends and family’s brows will crease very heavily at these revelations by the way.
I do not know what to believe in right now but I am glad for the teachings I received as a child. There’s no doubt I am a better person because of them. I hope you learn of them too. I hope what you find works for you. I especially hope you work very hard to be the best person you can be. You will make some mind boggling mistakes and the guilt will very nearly debilitate you but when this time comes just remember that it is all a journey. Your guilt is part of your humanity for as long as it doesn’t kill you.